Class Actress: Journal of Ardency (EP)

Listen up, phone sex industry, i'm gonna turn your flailing cottage business around. Stop throwing away your money on advertising time opposite the obviously imperious P90x and start focusing on improving your product. Look, I know you're still smarting from the introduction of Youporn and Redtube into the smut marketplace, but get your head in the game. You're missing the key ingredients. Every red-blooded American male is a sucker for two things and two things only: 80's synths and a sultry voices. I mean, haven't you ever wondered why rich dudes still hook up with Madonna? Homegirl's arms look like she's been splitting reps at the gym with Thor, God of the Thunderbolt, and yet she gets more tail than penny-pinching grandmas at the Red Lobster. Towards this end, I have the perfect spokesperson for your newfangled electronic seduction campaign. Her name is Elizabeth Harper and she leads a Brooklyn indie rock outfit called Class Actress. Take one listen to the heart-melting liquidity of her pipes on "Journal of Ardency" or "Let me Take You Out" and then tell me that you don't want to stick your...finger in the rotary phone nodule and start blowing... $5.99 a minute. Plus, Harper's song titles already lend themselves to an entire menu of phone sex fantasies:

1. Careful What You Say: For the shy first-timer.

2. Journal of Ardency: For those inclined to explore the ins and outs of the Harlequin Romance novel.

3. Let me Take You Out: For the guy who wants the authentic experience of spending 500 dollars on a night out and still not getting laid.

4. Adolescent Heart: Self-Explanatory...for the ones helplessly drawn to jailbait.

5. Someone Real: Duhhhh, what to press when it's time to hang up.

Anyway, phone sex execs, I'm gonna leave you my proposal along with a copy of Journal of Ardency. If you'd like to move forward and retain me as a consultant, my per-minute fee will be discreetly charged to your phone bill. Until then, walkie-talkie, over out.

Grade: B+

Best 3 Tracks: "Journal of Ardency," "Careful What You Say," "Let me Take You Out"

Love Child Of: A phone sex line entitled 1-900-Synth Your Teeth Into Me; Ladytron; Madonna Pre sharing needles with HGH flunkie A-Rod; An unpublicized, mildly homoerotic game of twister between Debbie Harry and Crissy Hynde that occurred sometime b/w 1985 and 1987; Some hackneyed joke about the "stimulus package"; the perfunctory "Do I Turn You On?" Desperation mixed with scrambled tv porn, no Internet, a lack of eligible farm animals, and Madonna not being home from yoga yet.

Best Enjoyed while: Touching yourself inappropriately..."Does that feel good?"

-Matt

ihatekidslikeyou. collective rating: 3 out of 5 scantily clad phone sex workers "just waiting for your call" (since Nate's not here and I'm not nearly as advanced with my HTML skills, "use your imagination" for the other two).

Watch the Queen Bee of Sex Workers, Elizabeth Harper, in the video for "Let Me Take You Out" Below: